he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
