The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
