I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
