listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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