Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
