woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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