Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
