come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
