for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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