What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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