Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You pole danced in your parka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
