I'm drive I can fine osifer
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
