i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
