You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
