I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
