you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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