I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
