I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Who died my cat blue again?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
