umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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