I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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