Yo dont text me then not text me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
