youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
