just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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