I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
