The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
