new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize