I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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