Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
