sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
