can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
