I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my shit smells like andre
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
