Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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