did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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