I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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