she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
