I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Life is so much better after having sex.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize