haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
