dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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