I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
