I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
