If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
