i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
