gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
