i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
