apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
