Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
