Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
