if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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