What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
