i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
