i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
