Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
