So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
