i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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