I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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