I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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