What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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