i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Randomize
