She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
