if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
